Relationships makes us learn. You know "others" on the lens of your "self", and you know "you" by the reflections on "others". The only thing you can work on is your own lenses. Even in coaching, don't let your own lenses to manipulate the reality. When you "help" people, don't attach with your "need for helping". It does not mean you will not "act" as you are, on the contrary it's the real action. It's acting rather then reacting. It is the totality of action; there's a pause in between stimulation and reaction. Then there's a conscious action. Then comes another pause in between action and feedback which is the "listening" rather then thinking your next answer. It's like breath awareness... :)
So tendency of "helping" needs some helping. Here you can find 3 rules or 3 different stages of awareness in helping others.
Never forget the basic reality of other person. You have to know the personality profile before you deal with anybody. Yogi Bhajan.
Golden rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated. Does it really work? Maybe for the survival aspects of life, it’s true. But not all the time huh? How can you be sure that others want to be treated as you want to treated? Isn’t it a big assumption that your motivational factors are same and universal? Skip it...
Platinum rule: Treat others as they would like to be treated. So, is it always good to give people what they want? I would say, "maybe" or "sometimes"... Why should we treat people exactly as they want to be treated. What if their need is serving for the comfort zone? What if their need is a subconscious desire that strengthens the ego? What if they can not differ ‘real need’ and addictive ‘desire.’ Skip it...
Titanium rule: We cannot always give people what they want, but we can rather give them what they need. So confront. Confronting people would be more enlightening for them. Speaking the truth even if it’s bitter... For a real confrontation, you must not speak from your ego; rather you need to clean yourself like a mirror to reflect others as they are; but not they plus ‘you’ or they plus your ‘distorted personal vision’. In your feedback relationship, become zero; so you + other person = just other person. You need to know them. You need to know yourself. More you are centered in yourself, more you’ll be seen as a lighthouse. Yes, it's the hardest thing to be "you" who is also a "zero". Personally impersonal.
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